Forgiving myself, again

How unhappy is he who cannot forgive himself.

–Publilius Syrus
(http://www.zentactics.com/forgiveness-quotes.html

I thought about self-forgiveness today, on my way home from the nephrologist.  In my life, self-forgiveness has come in stages.  I remembered this today, when I visited the doctor.  She was full of good news — the result of this month’s lab tests was excellent, and all my numbers were within limits, although some were on the ragged edge of high or low. Continue reading

Keystone Progress Daily Funnies

Keystone Progress Daily Funnies

If you’re not laughing, you’re not paying attention. Every day, we search for the funniest comics and videos on the issues of the day.

Rob Rogers, Sunday, June 8, 2014

by Rob Rogers

by Rob Rogers

The Keystone Progress Daily Funnies are brought to you thanks to our partnership with Uclick.com /Gocomics.com.

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Saturday Gratitude Post 6/7/2014

Welcome to my Saturday Gratitude Post.  Before I begin, I enjoy writing this post almost every week; may I suggest that some of you might enjoy writing a gratitude post weekly.  No rules, no themes.  Simply a post about your life and the blessings you experienced the previous week.

I am grateful for so many blessings, big and small, that touched me this week.  I am feeling very healthy, losing a little weight and, surprisingly, I’m not having difficulty sticking to the renal diet.  As a result, my blood sugars are far better, and I look relatively shapely right now.  I am so grateful that I am fighting myself all the time when I am caring for my body and my health.

Our weather is glorious — bright blue sky in the morning and early afternoon, then clouds and rain in the middle of the day, and finally back to clear skies for the latter part of the day.  Each day like this is a gift, and I spend a lot of time outdoors.  What a treat after such a long winter!

Someone is mowing grass outside, that lovely smell of cut grass blowing into my living room — a smell that, for me, embodies all the glories of summer.

Mom is much more contented, and enjoying an overall sense of good health, though her knees still bother her if she sits too long in the wrong chair.  The rest of the family is doing well; J., my next younger sister, lives with her family just north of San Diego.  The fire doesn’t usually reach their block, but they are close enough to unsettle nerves.  Nevertheless, J. is home with her husband M. and their daughter M., who just finished a successful year in college, and who will be dancing at SeaWorld this summer.

The rest of my family are happy, busy, and enjoying Spring.  My older sister can finally get into the pool, and that must feel like a little slice of heaven.  My brother’s son and daughter  serving  in their respective stations.  S. is at sea, and I wish I was there, too.  I love being on the ocean.  C2. is thriving down in Maryland —  she will be a wonderful doctor/nurse/medic or anything else she pursues. My brother’s oldest daughter is closer to home, trying and outgrowing ever retail job she’s had.  I know that she will decide where she belongs soon — C1 is a strong young woman.  Finally, my sister DB’s younger daughter, left high school after four remarkably interesting years, after several successful theater performances in which she shone.

I start back to work this Wednesday, and I can hardly wait.  Funny how four little hours a week are so important – I look forward to seeing my fellow workers, and all the customers I see at the register.  I am at least strong enough for one day, and that is all I am working this week.  I hope to work two days next week.

Life is good.  D. and I took a big swipe out of the living room last week, disassembling my altar and giving away anything I no longer use.  We cleared off the dining room table and put all of my pump supplies in a big drawer in the kitchen, which I should have done at the very beginning.  What a difference a clean table makes.

My life is so full of joyful goals.  D. and I know the balance we each need for the cruise.  I am not really very close, actually, but I have four more months, which will mean at least $400 in savings.  I saw a program about Belize today, and the teal and aqua water just called to me.  I am practicing patience!

This is only a small section of my Gratitudes list.  I am a very lucky woman indeed.

40th Anniversary

40 years ago, on June 4, 1974, a Navy pediatrician diagnosed my  juvenile diabetes, (Type 1.)

In 1974, diabetes was a very frightening condition, not easily tracked, and believed to be an unavoidable path to leg amputations and blindness.  The doctor told me, with no equivocation, that my life would be short and difficult.  On that same day, the doctor told my parents not to get involved with my struggles with daily living, lest I become dependent on them.  I was 14-years-old.

I wrote in this blog about that day at least 2 times.  I will try to find those posts, but here is a synopsis of the results of that huge change in my life.  I gained much of this knowledge in just the last few years:

I didn’t feel badly, in the first 6 months.  I applied my intellect to the problem, and stuffed the feelings.  I learned to inject insulin into my body.  At that time, no home glucose monitors existed; I peed in a cup, put some in a glass test tube, and tested for ketones.  That was the only indicator that my blood glucose was high, and I needed the doctor to tell me what dose of insulin I should be taking.  This was animal insulin — no chemically recreated human insulin for years.

After the first six months, I began to feel depressed more and more, and a feeling of who cares came over me.  I didn’t overcome that feeling for longer than a few years at a time.  I was married and divorced three times, always blaming him when the problems were often mine.

I couldn’t keep a job for more than two or three years; many of my jobs lasted less than a year.  I was, (please pardon the cliche,) rudderless.  Not until I settled here, alone and miserable, did I finally face up to my own character and behavior.  That was when everything started to smooth out.

So I remember a lifetime full of carelessness, but now I am intentional about what I think and what I expect from myself. I received enormous, intense and life-changing blessings throughout my life, and I am grateful for them every day.  I accept my family just as each member is, and I love them all dearly.  I have made friends who are good for me, and I cherish them.  I look forward to waking up in the morning; I feel and see and focus on different situations in my life, but, overall, I am content.  I love my life, and I strive to maintain that love through my daily ups and downs.

So all is well.

A Beautiful Spring Day in Midcoast Maine

Popham Beach State Park Image courtesy of visitbath.com

Popham Beach State Park
Image courtesy of visitbath.com

N.B.  I am posting this on a cold, wet day, but I wrote it a couple of days ago.  I am also plagued by the Add Media problem — ongoing.  Finally, as you can see, my home page does not pick up the paragraphs from my draft.

Fort Popham from the beach.   Image courtesy of carolyncholland.wordpress.com

Fort Popham from the beach. Image courtesy of carolyncholland.wordpress.com

I am enjoying a lovely spring day — sunny, no wind, warm enough for shorts, but not too hot to sit outside.  Maine is so gorgeous this time of year. A day like this always brings up memories of other happy spring days, when I was younger and still relatively carefree.  I love that I can remember those times — all I used to remember was misery.  My dad once said that I was projecting my current unhappiness on my memories.  I think I told him he was nuts, but I see now that I was doing exactly that.  I experienced sadness in my early adult life, but I also lived happy days. (I tried to insert a read-more tag here, but nothing doing.  Sorry.) Continue reading

Saturday Gratitude List, 05/31/2014

It’s Saturday morning, here on the coast of Maine.  The sun is bright, peeking out around the clouds; it’s also much higher in the sky than in the winter.  The air is cool, and a light breeze is ruffling the tree outside my window.  I feel good — I am sleeping more soundly than I have in years.

I am full of gratitude for all the good in my life.  I picked up my paintbrush last night for the first time in weeks, and I am currently working on making my water more realistic.  This simple act awakened the creative side of my mind — not only painting, but writing, which I also haven’t done in weeks.

I decided last month that my apartment is far too cluttered — not just old magazines and mail, either.  I own souvenirs from everywhere I’ve ever been, and I spread them onto every flat surface here.  I own furniture I don’t use, and I know one cause of my underlying anxiety is the state of these rooms.  So, my plan is to turn my apartment into something resembling a dojo.  I dragged my busted rocker, and that now beat-up plastic palm tree down to the dumpster yesterday.  After my nephew takes the big, old, beautiful dresser out of my bedroom, I will move my painting stuff into the bedroom, where the window on the north side will give me more ideal light.

I already moved my little pedal-er into the bedroom, where I see it immediately after I wake up.  I jump to it each morning, and the exercise, along with a much more limited diet, (limited phosphorus and potassium, and very limited carbs,) I made a huge change in my A1c, (my three-month average blood glucose.)  Three months ago, it measured 8.6.  Not good.  This Tuesday, my A1c was 7.2 — a huge improvement and  right at the level my Nurse Practitioner wants.  Who knew, all these decades, that the doctors were right about me needing to exercise?  (She smirks, amazed at the level of her  own stubbornness.)

Back to my dojo:  I am ridding myself of my recliner.  Even with two pillows behind my back, I never get really comfortable, and I wake with a backache every morning.  I intend to get a club chair instead, and a love-seat or small sofa.  The desk is going, as is the office chair, which also requires pillows.  My friend D. bought it for me as a birthday present a couple of years ago, but I judged it by its looks, and not by comfort.

On Thursday, I called the cruise company to check D.’s and my balance owed, and the first person told me that she had no record of us — no reservation, and no sign of the $500 deposit we paid.  I experienced a brief moment of panic, but then I hunted down our booking number and talked with the agent with whom we made our reservation.  All is well, and we set sail on October 26 for Honduras, Belize, and two stops in Mexico.  I intend to be well and ready for fun before that date.

I am grateful for my life, for my family and friends, for my readers, (I love you all,) my home, my health, and my newfound appreciation for staying healthy through exercise.  I am very thankful for my mental health, and I understand more clearly how to keep up a sense of calm.  I am a very, very lucky woman.