My gratitude list this week may seem a little strange. Please bear with me. I have been thinking hard on why I chose the life I did; diabetes, emotional paralysis and mental faculty — a very weird combination. I don’t know the why, and probably I won’t let that hold me up. I know one thing: I cannot imagine having reached this satisfied state, if I hadn’t had all of that earlier stuff to compare it with.
I am not saying that my life couldn’t have ended up happy, if I’d had a different path. I have no way of knowing that, and at this point in my life, I’m finally fed up with thinking what my life could have been. I am grateful for what my life has been; not so much for the difficulties themselves, but for the contrast. I could not be this happy, had I not been that sad.
I told you I’d be writing strangely this week. All of the terrible sadness, the family drama and failed marriages, the low self-esteem, the self-loathing, the absence of self-respect and self-love, the health emergencies I brought upon myself, and the list could go on forever. But it doesn’t, because I have come to an understanding with myself. I am happy, and confident, and unafraid. I am unwilling to move into that life again. And I am grateful.